That's why, when I have a decent job, and a great life with my husband, I still beat myself up for not going the extra mile to do something extraordinary. I don't want to leave this world as just an ordinary person. I want to do it all. I want to travel to far off places, help as many people as I can, try everything at least once, and learn new things at every turn. For some reason, wherever I am in life isn't enough for me to be satisfied. I don't feel that I'm living the dream. I think I'm holding back from what I really want, and I think I've done that for a long time. I wanted to do respiratory therapy, and now I'm not so sure. The drive is still there, but I fear in my heart that even if I achieve that goal, I'll still have the feeling of standing at the far edge of a field, ready to run across to the other side and resenting myself for pausing. How would it be if one day I woke up, and realized that my life is ordinary?
This is the one hurdle I've never been able to jump, and it's been the unrelenting weakness I've felt my entire life. I achieve one goal, and I'm on to the next without really taking that first goal very far. I'm all about achievement, proving myself - to myself. I don't really understand it - I just know that I'll never be good enough for the bully inside me. The ironic thing is, I've been complimented on what this bully has brought out of me. People think I'm an extremely driven person, and the truth is, that I'm actually a tormented driven person. People admire my drive, I admire other's contentment.
I thirst for God, and I believe that the answer to my woes lies in Him. But I'm having a difficult time making that first step back to Him. I never fully give myself away to Him - I hold back and try to maintain control because I don't want to lose it. Even in my years of being extremely close to the Lord, though, I still had this unquenchable hunger. I wish I knew what I was hungry for?
Just a few odd thoughts for the day.
Melissa, you are not ordinary. But I hear you. I'm not a content woman either.
ReplyDeleteWhat is "the dream"? Woman, you can't live it if you don't know what you're hungry for!
I'll be praying for you to find it......I'm confident that God has amazing plans for you, dear:)
Tchtch. I know exactly that feeling of grasping at some unknown passion, unknown fulfillment. Katie's right that you can't live it if you don't know what it is... but I know exactly that frustration/exasperation.
ReplyDeleteExcerpt from one of my old blog posts:
In Siddhartha, Siddhartha explains to Govinda that "Searching means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal." In a way, our goals and our future bind us and limit us. I've been searching for answers and searching for guidance. I've been searching for the meaning in my life and for the path to my future. I've weighed myself down, worried myself, and cried out in frustration. "You, oh venerable one, are perhaps indeed a searcher, because, striving for your goal, there are many things you don't see, which are directly in front of your eyes."
^
What I've learned since then is that sometimes you just need to slow down. Savor those moments of beauty and contentment. Be still. Pray. And trust me, the unknown goal will find you.