On June 21, 2009 and beyond.

Hello friends,

On June 21, 2009, I celebrated two big milestones: six months of marriage to my husband; and one full year without seizures. That was an amazing day. One of the most distinctive things I've realized about a year without seizures is how different life really is without them. Even though I wasn't prone to convulsive seizures until last year, I still recall the feeling of suffocation and panic that would come over me at unpredictable hours. Sometimes I wonder how bad it really was to have the episodes - I've considered going off the meds and living with the mini seizures. This is a ridiculous suggestion, though. I don't want to go through that again, and with the knowledge I have now, I'd be anticipating seizures all the time, which might make the panic worse and the symptoms more intense. No, I won't actually go off the medication, and I don't have the luxury of knowing what I'll face 20 years after consistent, daily use.

But, on the other hand, 20 years of uncontrolled seizures would cause some problems too. I have to take my pick, and I suppose for now, it'll be for medication.

I don't have much to say, except that this blog has been an excellent outlet for me over this last year. I wish that I'd written more - that I had more knowledge to offer. But, I don't. I've learned to stop referring to the epilepsy as "my" epilepsy - because epilepsy doesn't define my life. Talking like that only takes the emphasis off the condition and places it on myself - as if I chose to have seizures. It's like treating the condition as a pet, or a family member. Frankly, I don't consider epilepsy something to cling to - as depressed people might cling to depression as their best friend or worst enemy. I've done this plenty of times, with both epilepsy and depression, and I'd encourage people not to let that become a habit. I remember a conversation I had with my brother earlier this year. He saw that tendency in me; and he suffers from a condition that few people can understand, so his advice really hit home with me. Epilepsy is a condition that I happen to have, not apart of who I am. This is contradictory to what I've written in prior blogs, perhaps, but it goes to show that a few months of introspection have taken their course. I haven't written a blog since May, and I think I viewed my condition differently even back then than I do now. That wasn't very long ago at all.

If I continue this blog, I probably won't focus completely on epilepsy - but I'll come back to it now and then. I hope you'll humor me and allow me to take this blog onto the next level: my metamorphosis. You can start rolling your eyes now, if you want to. =) I know my life isn't that interesting, but I'd like to add some tidbits of what else has been going on which have affected me. It'll be encouraging and cynical; amatuer and provocative; spiritual and worldly. I think God is shaping me as I would a piece of Play Doh - letting it squish between His fingers or rolling it to form a sphere. Wasn't that a cheesy metaphor? It's only because I work with children now. ;)

As Dispatch's Pete Francis would say, keep living your dream.