Vertigo

I've chosen the name Mvertigo because vertigo is a very real side effect that I deal with frequently from my medication. Its not a daily occurrence; in fact, it normally occurs when I've been inactive (ie: laying in the recliner). When it does happen, I usually have a headache that starts before or after it occurs. It used to be so bad that everytime I'd get up after sitting down, vertigo would occur. So, what is vertigo?

U2 wrote a song about it...but that's not a great description at all of what vertigo is. Vertigo is basically a spinning sensation. Let's say I've been curled up in the recliner for about an hour and a half, watching Cold Case Files (this is pretty typical for me). Let's say my dad walks in the kitchen and I plan to follow him in to talk to him. I sit up in the recliner, and stand up at a normal pace. I take two steps, and the spinning begins. My vision blurs for an instant as the room spins in a clockwise rotation. It feels like the average rush of blood to the head, except I almost fall over each time and usually have to steady myself before I take another step, otherwise I'd walk in a circle. This isn't the only example I have. Vertigo has happened at plenty of different times, places, and situations. When I was at Target with the coffee overdose, I remember squatting down to look at the price of a desk on the bottom shelf of a display. I stood up, and Target started spinning around. Vertigo happens all the time - especially when I haven't slept much or I've had too much sleep. It is particularly annoying, though, when it gets in the way of my normal functions, especially when a headache follows.

It would seem that vertigo increases due to lifestyle - so why am I including this in an epilepsy blog? Well, its relevant because I've only had vertigo a few times in my life before I began taking Keppra. Now, vertigo is something that could happen everyday if I'm not careful. In fact, Keppra warns about vertigo being a side effect; I just didn't know what it was when I first read about the side effects. One day, I wanted to find out exactly what this mysterious side effect was. I read about it and realized that what I'd been experiencing so often was indeed, vertigo. People who experience vertigo often have it when they change positions. That's a general way of putting it, but it certainly applies to me, since I get vertigo when I stand up after squatting or laying down. The situation has to be right, though, for it to occur without fail. Usually an extra dose of caffeine and a lack of sleep will do the trick. That is why I talk about sleep and caffeine as two major things to pay attention to when one is epileptic: because these can increase seizures and interact badly with seizure medication.

Now, vertigo is less likely to occur when I have a set routine. I could work somewhere that I absolutely hated, but if I have a set routine, I feel better all around. When I worked at a funeral home recently, I may have had vertigo a couple of times during the first week of work, but I don't recall it being a problem at all after that. The answer for my woes is routine - in fact, routine is often a great help to people who are suffering from neurological and even psychological disorders. I'm still trying to find my routine, though -

I've been thinking about something today more than I have in the past few months. I'm thinking about Rwanda - which I mentioned in the post about depression. If U2 was writing about vertigo as an emotional/metaphysical experience, then I suppose I can too. I've always been amazed at God's timing - its always really dramatic and sometimes rather obnoxious. A month before I was to board a plane to Rwanda for a year - I found myself in a hospital bed, drugged and loopy. I understood that I'd had a seizure - everyday my family would be there and we'd talk about what happened. People came in to visit me - but I thought everything was fine. Aside from being on the drugs, I thought that I was mostly all right. My parents urged me to reconsider my trip to Rwanda, but I wanted a doctor's opinion first. Well, I got the opinion of two doctors - and they both recommended that I wait for another time to leave the country for a year. In the hospital, I was OK with that.

When I went home, I wasn't. I remember being in my room one night, with my iPod, sobbing as I listened to a song called "Elias" by Dispatch. The song is about a gardener in Africa, and the chorus says, "If you die, will I get word that you're gone - or will I hear it in passing conversation? Will I stop short and fall to the ground? Distance is short when you're hand carries what your eye found.
'Hold my hand just one more time, to see if you're really gonna meet me.'"

There's a mourning phase that I had to endure before I could release myself from this internship in Rwanda, and it happened after daring to listen to this song five times over. I realized that it wasn't my family, my fiance, or money that was to keep me from going - it was my health. That was the most frustrating reason that could've existed. Not having enough money would've been embarassing, but I would've rather had that be the case than my health. If vertigo was an emotional experience, this loss would've been it. I felt like I'd lost everything - that being epileptic meant that I was weaker than others. I felt lost - very much like my world had spun out of control - so much that I would sleep in order to keep from having to deal with being awake and living life. Epilepsy is the most life-changing reality I've ever had to face. Its also one of the loneliest places I've ever found myself in. I had friends - I wasn't alone physically - but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, I felt comepletely alone. And Rwanda is still on the map - filled with people I'll never meet and a year that I'll never get to have as a memory.

But you know something? I got married instead. =) And he's not afraid of my neurological health. He was by my side the entire time in the hospital and hasn't left my side since. I married my best friend. Although I still get sad over not being in Rwanda - I've chosen a different path which will lead to something even greater. In fact, there is nothing greater than having the love of your life by your side at all times. If you are reading this - feeling alone and worthless - remember that there is love greater than ourselves in this world. My husband is a walking example of it.

I can't write a blog without sentimental embellishments. =)